amare mori
by AlinaLotus
Summary: When he kisses her he tastes blood, tastes love and death and why it all was supposed to be for something. Why it was supposed to matter.


**Pure angst. Finally getting back into a realm where I feel comfortable. Four AU takes on character death. **

**.1. Hemorrhage**

_Don't fall away  
And leave me to myself  
Don't fall away  
And leave love bleeding in my hands..._

The blossoms are pink but not because they're cherry blossoms. They were white, once, but now they're dotted with the red of shed blood, splattered with the life of nobles and commoners alike, although his family has been careful over the last decade or so, to thin out the lesser blood of their clan.

Still, it's all the same. Each puddle smells like rust, has a metallic sheen that dully reflects the chaos behind him. Reflects the massive fires that indicate where parts of the estate, which is/was more a compound, in his eyes, than a home, used to be. His movements are lethargic, and he's not himself at all. He can't be, because surely Neji Hyuuga would never be slowed to inaction, would never stand idly by while everyone around him is slaughtered. While his family and friends and anybody with any connection to the Hyuuga are sliced and burnt and snapped.

And then he remembers. One word; a name. The girl, woman, he's supposed to protect, to die for if necessary, to love and hold and-

_Hinata._

She isn't hard to find. Her luscious hair makes spotting her, even in the dark and without his Byakugan, easy. Of course, he's always been drawn to her, able to home in on her presence, on her warmth.

And now he's without either one. Her pale eyes are wide and unseeing and his stomach is convulsing, his throat raw with screams he can't hear because _Hinata's dead. _

In the end it made no difference, branch family or main family. It never mattered much to Hinata anyway; her skills compared to Neji's left little doubt at who was more talented. Their birthrights were, in her eyes, merely an accident. Besides, she often told him, better that he wasn't born Hiashi's child.

He can only bend down to her, his hands on her cold skin. When he kisses her he tastes blood, tastes love and death and why it all was supposed to be for something. Why it was supposed to matter.

**.2. Something I Can Never Have**

_In this place it seems like such a shame.  
Though it all looks different now,  
I know it's still the same  
Everywhere I look you're all I see.  
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be._

_I just want something I can never have_

His life is a circle.

All of his mistakes are plotted at different areas, and he's doomed to repeat them and no amount of reliving them- and the consequences- will ever change that.

His life is a circle.

So it makes sense, really, that he's here, cradling the nearly-dead medic to his chest. His face is streaked with tears and rain and sweat, and Sakura's blood is sickly sweet all around him.

"It's...it's time, ne? Kakashi-sensei?" She murmurs, and already the light he's come to depend on, to need, is fading from her eyes, and green always was his favorite color but he thinks vaguely that he'll never be able to look at the ocean, or at jewels again because they'll always remind him of the woman he loved, of the woman he let die and he may as well admit here and now that he killed her.

His life is a circular saw blade, sharp with edges that slice at him, at the very core of him, whenever any progress is made. He could've stopped this, he knows, because all it would have taken, all those months ago (years, really, if he's honest with himself; the blade turns again and his heart is severed into a raw mess at this thought) is saying no. He could've turned her away- away from his personal life, away from his bed, from his arms.

But he'd never been able to deny her. It had lead to her downfall, because she'd insisted on this mission, and maybe if he had forced some distance between them, maybe if he didn't care so much that she was by his side whenever possible, this wouldn't have happened.

The field is empty now, the enemy having moved at top speed when their main threat- Sakura's strength and healing abilities- was vanquished. For a moment her face blurs and his head swims, the landscape becoming the purple stripes on Rin's face...the smirk Obito was famous for...Yondaime, a yellow flash rushing to meet his team...his father's silver ponytail and head bowed humbly...the impossibly smooth and cold memorial stone...

His life is a circle.

Sakura is beautiful even in death, with long tendrils of her hair picturesque against her creamy skin. Her fingers clench against him with superhuman strength, her eyes search his for one last second, and then she falls limp.

When he kisses her he tastes blood, tastes love and death and why it all was supposed to be for something. Why it was supposed to matter.

**.3. Already Gone**

_Looking at you makes it harder  
But I know that you'll find another  
That doesn't always make you wanna cry_

_You know that I love you so_  
_I love you enough to let you go_

Strategically he knew this was a mistake. Not just the whole falling for her business, but the desert itself. Too temperamental, too dry, too hot. Too...too dead. But she'd just laugh in his face if he ever admitted these things, so he ignored the gut feeling that this was bad, that this time, he wasn't too sure he'd be seeing Konoha again.

He can see it in her eyes the second they meet in the courtyard at the gates. Another farewell to face, though they had said their own private goodbyes ("But it's not goodbye, not really, you idiot," and Temari's golden skin is hot against his own) in private hours ago. She knows there's something wrong. Something so wrong.

She exchanges a brief glance with her brothers. They are standing to one side, bidding the rest of his team a safe journey, and then she's on him (and her speed is something he can only marvel at, because she's hardly a blur of black and red and blonde), her deep eyes in front of his own. "Kiss me," she pleads, almost hungrily, but before he can react she stiffens, arches her back like she's been struck, and he has to hold onto her hips to keep her standing upright.

"Ngh." She is biting her lip to hold in a scream, and Kankuro's Black Ant is dangling from his chakra strings, and Gaara's sand is all around. His team- Ino, with Asuma protectively in front of her, and Choji already in a jutsu stance- has formed a half circle shield around them. There is a glimmer from a balcony, the glimmer of a glass scope, and it all clicks into place.

An assassination attempt on his life...one not approved by the Kazekage, one actually hidden from him...one Temari just saved him from. It isn't difficult to understand why this happened. He is a master strategist, and he'd never use his talents against his village, never dispose Konoha secrets. He's too dangerous to have as an enemy. Really, aside from the alliance of Naruto and Gaara, the only thing tying him to Suna is Temari.

_Temari._

Her face is ashen and her lips tinged with blue. He can feel her shuddering against the pain, and they both know she's going to die. That she's dying so he could live.

"You're so stupid." He says, and the tears are already spilling from his eyes, and he tries to stop because she wouldn't want him to cry. He's going to have to be strong for a while, be strong for her brothers, but they fall down his cheeks anyway, landing in her hair and on her forehead.

"Can't all be geniuses, Nara." She shrugs, as though they were having a casual conversation and she wasn't slipping from this life, from him.

"I told you," Temari says before Shikamaru can open his mouth, "it's not really goodbye, you idiot."

She is dead before they can get her to the infirmary, and even Tsunade wouldn't have been able to do anything about the poison the dart was dipped in. The only thing he can do, the only thing he can grant her, is her last wish.

When he kisses her he tastes blood, tastes love and death and why it all was supposed to be for something. Why it was supposed to matter.

**.4. Hate Me**

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man  
Until I saw your eyes cry and I held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"  
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"_

_Hate me today_  
_Hate me tomorrow_  
_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

He always figured she'd drink herself to death. Or get picked off by a loan shark, at the very least. But no, she had to go and do some stupid ass thing like taking on Orochimaru...taking him on so there'd be some chance, some way, to get to Sasuke.

All because he wanted it. Well, it wasn't like it was a huge secret. Granny had known from day one that Sasuke was his top priority. That he had to save Sasuke, because even though he'd chosen to leave Konoha there was still a shred of hope that he could be the boy Naruto loved again. And maybe she was doing it a little for herself, because if Sasuke did come back, she might be repaying some of the debt she owed for not being able to save her boys.

"Get up!" He screams, shaking the front of her robes. "Just get up already, you old hag!" And he's sobbing now because she is a mother to him, a mother when he never even knew what one was. She believed in him, she tried for him, fought for him. She always was special, even if she was overbearing and annoying and swore too much.

Jiraiya loved her, even if he never admitted it, and now Naruto understands why, and he can't believe that she's slipping away because...because of him. Because he was too caught up in Sasuke to protect her, and because he's too weak to save her.

"Please granny," He rips the crystal from his neck, pushing it into her side. "Here! It's yours, take it back, take whatever you want! Just don't die, please...you can't die..." She can't leave him, can't leave her village...not now, on the edge of a war, not when her people will need her healing powers so desperately. Shizune and Sakura will never be the same, and his heart breaks a little more at the idea of Sakura shedding more tears because of him, because of his mistakes.

"How dare you." She wheezes, and her brown eyes appear for a moment, glaring at him in the old way. "say that to me. It's yours! I fucking gave it to you, and don't you disgrace it!" She lifts her arm and Naruto can almost feel the pain radiating from her. She gives a final shove, pushing Naruto's hand away from her.

The battle between the rest of their comrades and Orochimaru's gang rages in the background, but Naruto doesn't care. He can't care anymore, because he's lost so much to Sasuke, because of Sasuke. For Sasuke, and this is the breaking point. This is when he taps out, this is when he closes the lid on the chest that he's kept a desperate hold on because Sasuke. Is. Never. Coming. Back.

And Tsunade had to die for this point to get across. So he's burned another bridge because of his foolish optimism, of his blind hope. Her cheeks are still warm but he knows she's far beyond this life now. He ties the crystal back around his neck, trying to ignore how much heavier it now feels. When he kisses her he tastes blood, tastes love and death and why it all was supposed to be for something. Why it was supposed to matter.

**As ever, feedback is appreciated. Songs used, in order, are: Hemorrhage by Fuel, Something I Can Never Have by Nine Inch Nails, Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson, and Hate Me by Blue October. **


End file.
